TOM COTTAGE - Humorous Agricultural Poet
Extracts from Tom's new book of poems, Digging For Apples!
I was 'ad up in court today.
Accused of mindless tractor-rage.
I said. "M'lud, it ain't my style,
Driving mad thru country lanes."
The judge, though, he weren't impressed.
"Tom Cottage," he sneered.
"There's witnesses that saw
A madness in your eye.
And you were heard to swear and all!
Account for that. Go on, just try"
"That's right, M'lud,
but not because of tractor-rage.
My collie Jess, she'd cut my breaks.
I was wrestling with the wheel,
Which is why I crashed into the field."
The Judge threw back his head and laughed.
"In that case, Tom," he said.
"I'm gonna let you orf!"
He did and all.
I do believe they're wrong.
When they eat a Brussels sprout,
They rob a cabbage of its young.
Won't eat lamb though, will they?
Elegy To A Cow
This little calf looked poorly,
Like it had a cold.
It's nose was running rivers,
Making puddles on the ground.
I gave it asprin and a lemsip,
Wiped it's sweat off with a towel.
But my efforts they were wasted,
It died of foot and mouth.
Them damn townies with their backpacks,
Ramble off the beaten track.
The farmer blows a gasket,
And has to beat them back.
Follow the flippin' country code!
There's Ted and Jill who run the pub.
The bar maid in her pretty smock.
Farmer Neil in his field,
The Reverand preaching to his flock.
Postie brings us letters,
It's fish from Poacher Pat.
I'll tell you why I love these folk
They all no where we're it's at.
Not like stressed out city folk,
Who come down at weekends.
Driving jeeps and four wheel drives
They're completely round the bend!
Do they believe that big game,
And wild cats live round here?
Yes, they do, they're loopy-loo,
And damn well bloomin' queer!
Not like village folk!
My mate Baz, the Morris man,
has got two little girls.
Although their names are Bess and Jane,
He calls them something else.
Morris minors with curls, that's what!
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Tom actually digging for apples